So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
