as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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