i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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