at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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