Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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