the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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