I just threw up on my dentist
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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