so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
