well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
