I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
How does it feel to date your dad?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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