youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
