Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
