im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
