Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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