Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
