I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
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