I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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