Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
