I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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