she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize