Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize