I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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