yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize