I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
