I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Randomize
