Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize