Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
