I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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