Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
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