there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
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