my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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