Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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