I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
