the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
All the doctor said was why
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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