You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Farmville is her only friend.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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