Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
