we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I could make wine with my vomit
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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