He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
