Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
