Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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