i may or may not be watching the land before time
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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