Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
