I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
