Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
well you can't waste a boner
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
