I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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