everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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