I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
