I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
