from now on my penis is your penis
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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