i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
