Barsexuality is the new black.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
