Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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