butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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