Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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