On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
