god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
