Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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