Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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