i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
